SITC and uncertainty

 I’m in my Philly apartment rewatching SITC on a Thursday night…If I have to spell it out, you simply don’t pass the vibe check. But because I clearly have spare time, I’ll elaborate: 

I sat in my north central philly apartment REWATCHING Sex in the City because, truthfully, it was the most action I was getting these days. Trust me, it’s not lost how on me how old AND retired I sound. All while being 24…also, I’m sure it doesn’t help my case that this wasn’t a spontaneous rewatch. Nope, instead, the thought came to me mid work day at my big girl job. I can too easily blame my distraction on ADHD. I can less easily admit that I am a sick and lonely  hopeless romantic. See, I am more than capable of being my own damn hero. Yet, I choose to pine after the imaginary love interests. If I was a man, it would seem charming, but because I am a woman, and a black woman at that, it’s deemed as crazy and potentially desperate. 

The conversation which confirmed this came up at my job which I often mistake as a 90210 set. I shared how troubled my love life was. My coworker lovingly suggested I be single for a while (an accurate suggestion by the way). I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t reoccurring advice and I’d be especially foolish to not admit that I hadn’t contemplated it myself. However, with pride, I responded “ill be single, if everyone here breaks up with their boyfriend.” Crickets! Silence? Or were they silenced? Either way,  I could literally cut the silence with a KNIFE. Likely, the same knife I used the slash the tires of the my situationship’s vintage BMW. Could I really not think of any reason why I was single?

Ironically, said situationship was on his way over to me. Hey, some like my crazy. It’s just that they tend to be crazy too. Still unsure if I need someone who matches me or dilutes my wild. Obviously the latter sounds less than ideal but realistically I am 3 Leo placements (sun, moon, venus) so if I am the universe for myself but in someone else it would be like asking for tyranny…laughing but very serious. Said situationship reminds me of the Nicki Minaj verse that goes “he be the Joker, I’m Harley” and as impractical of a comparison as it sounded it also felt so accurate. And when I remove myself from the two pronged comparison and just think about myself individually I can’t say Harley Quinn doesn’t feel too far off from myself either. Lovesick. Colorful. Crazy. Ride or Die. Hey, that’s me to a T. What’s also funny is soooo many people hate the term “Ride or Die” they argue they’re not dying for anyone. To me, I think they should learn the difference between a metaphor and a real life expectation. I like the term because I don’t plan on dying for anyone and I especially expect no one to die on my behalf. However, I do hope they prioritize our journey as the ride of their life knowing that any other option would be as good as simply not living. That’s how I view myself and the love I have to give. True or untrue. Hyper realistic or completely fairytale. I have hopes for love but they are HIGH hopes. One thing for certain is hopeless romantic does not equate to low expectations. If it did, there’s a hell of a lot of relationships, situationship, etc that I would still be in. 

But alas, I am here writing to you, not sure when I will find “the one” or even more, not sure if I have already found them but they come in the all too similar form of Carrie Bradshaw’s “Big” ~ and similar to the two of them, we are on an LONG journey to realizing it was right in front of us all along.